Tall Tube passengers, London Underground, Cockneys, London, Northern Line, Cramped,

Lanky Londoners will be too tall for Tube

A SOURCE CLOSE TO CITY HALL has claimed that sections of the capital’s Underground network will be “obsolete” within 20 years if the average height of Londoners continues to grow at current rates.

Mayor Boris Johnson and Transport for London have been in secret talks to plan for a “taller passenger time-bomb” and have identified the Northern Line as particularly vulnerable.

London Mayor Boris Johnson, Tube, Underground
Boris Johnson: Tube

“Lanky Londoners”

Lanky Londoners like England footballer Peter Crouch are reckoned to have grown by an average of 4 inches in the past 100 years and at current rates of growth, many will find it hard to move but for the unpleasant smell of their fellow Englishmen’s blood.

Natural selection and improvements in London’s diet, including the replacement of Cockney staples like pie & mash, pints and jellied eels with pulled pork wraps, caramel lattés and quinoa salads; are thought to be behind the capital’s taller population.

Reggae Reggae Sauce, London
A sauce close to City Hall credit@KieranRobins0n

Our source, who asked not to named said; “The Underground will be obsolete and unable to carry anyone but the most vertically challenged of hobbits within 20 years.”

With each generation of beanpole Britons loftier than the last, there are now real fears that the capital’s iconic Tube trains will be too small to transport the gigantic general public of the near future.

“Sky-High Costs”

Sky-scraping commuters would render the network of tunnels under the UK’s capital unfit for purpose, spelling decades of construction chaos and costs running into many hundreds of billions of pounds.

The City Hall source explained; “We’ve been happily packing them in like sardines for years but what will we do when people are finally too tall for the Tube?

“Make them stand in a ditch? Cut holes in carriage roofs?

“We may have to consider installing more seating for the sky-high streaks of piss because open-top Tube trains present public safety risks nobody is prepared to sign-off.”

London Underground Train Passengers
Passengers with room to spare on the Jubilee Line, but for how long? credit@KieranRobins0n

The Mayor’s office and TfL were officially unavailable for comment last night.

“As Londoners get taller so do their tales . . . “

NOW READ: A Saturday at Saltergate: Where were you when you were shit?

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